CAO PI: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
by TwilightVampire-Princess
Summary: Ever wondered how to look after your new CAO PI unit? Just read this guide to find out!


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CAO PI: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

**Disclaimer: _I don't own CAO PI or anyone else in the Dynasty Warriors franchise. But you can own him if you buy him today!_**

_A/N: Yay, my first story and my first Owner's Manual, made famous by the very talented Theresa Green. Saying this, the original idea doesn't belong to me, but this fanfic does._

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**MANY CONGRATULATIONS!!**

You are now the very proud owner of the CAO PI unit. This manual will ensure that your very own Wei emperor lives the best kind of life he could have. We strongly suggest that you follow the instructions in this manual fully, since there will be no refunds/exchanges for any careless I-know-better-than-them owners who try and work the CAO PI unit in their own (very wrong) way.

**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS**

Family Name: _Cao_(pronounced as Ts'ao and **_only _**as Ts'ao. Any variations to this rule; i.e. pronouncing it like "Cow" will be frowned upon by your CAO PI and may result in your instant death). Given Name: _Pi_: pronounced "pee" (again, calling him "pie" will not make him a very happy emperor. Proceed with caution when getting other family members to pronounce his name, for he will give mercy to **no one**). Style Name: _Zihuan_.

Other Name Variations: _Pi, Emperor, My glorious lord (_which we're sure you're CAO PI unit will prefer very much). Can also be specifically programed to answer to: _Pi-Pi bunny, my wittle Cao dumpling, _and any other degrading endearments that you feel the need to put your CAO PI unit through.

Date of manufacturer:_Circa 187 A.D._

Place of manufacture:_Qiao Country, China_

Height: _Five (5) feet, Eleven (11) inches_

Weight: _Around 153-ish, depending on whether CAO PI unit is wearing armor or not... (_which we'll leave up to you to decide)

Default Age Setting: _Twenty-seven (27) years old_

Length: _Rather long, guaranteed to give satisfaction (_and that's the CAO PI unit's **_weapon _**we're referring to, you dirty horndogs...)

**ACCESSORIES**

Okay, so now you're probably thinking; what should a sexy Wei emperor like the CAO PI unit wear? Well to put it simply, the choice is yours. However, unless you want to witness the CAO PI unit's wrath, we suggest that you follow this manual's attire guide _completely._

_1 x Waist length white and blue embroidered cloak-robe_

_1 x Bluey-purple baggy pants_

_A pair of knee length black leather boots_

_1 x Nice embroidered belt_

_A pair of shin guards (_nicely embroidered, of _course)_

_1 x Rather long and pretty Kingdom's Pride (_unless you have acquired the Dynasty Warriors 5: I'm-not-as-handsome-but-still-a-vain-snob CAO PI unit edition, in which case, you would get _Chaos)_

_3 x Hair brushes of different textures. You will notice that your CAO PI unit's pride is with his silky locks, and we wouldn't like anything to happen to them now would we?_

**OPERATIONAL FUNCTIONS**

Of course, originally, the CAO PI unit would have been manufactured to be the rich emperor of Wei. However, since we have been manufacturing him, we have found that some owners have very different uses for their CAO PI units. So, are you stuck thinking about what your handsome, dark-haired CAO PI should do? Here are some ideas to help you along the way:

1) Voice Coach - _Have you never heard your CAO PI unit publicly speak? Well if not, you're definitely missing something special. You think that voice of his comes naturally? Well... it does actually but now, he can have you talking like him in too, in no time at all. After all, "Why do they even bother?"_

2) Poet - _Forget William Shakespeare, the CAO PI unit is the real deal! Persuade your CAO PI to teach you the ways of the poetry world. (_Warning: Telling your CAO PI unit how much you think he sounds like the ZHANG HE unit when he recites poetry is sure to get you in his bad books. And if you do deign to tell him this, make sure that your CAO PI unit's weapon is well out of his line of vision).

3) Hairdresser - _Just how does the CAO PI unit manage to get his hair like that? Well now, you can persuade him to share his secret with everyone. Don't you think he will look just so "fabulous dahling" in some swanky salon, wearing the tightest jeans you can find and trimming away split ends like there's no tomorrow? (_Warning: If you do decide to make your CAO PI unit a hairdresser, make sure that _no-one _at all mentions the "g" word. Being called a homosexual is surely going to make your CAO PI unit furious. And would you want that to happen? Especially when your CAO PI unit may be armed with a pair of pointy scissors because he just "wants to get it perfect?")

4) Rent Boy - _Of course, if all else fails, you can always get your CAO PI unit to do the dirty in order to rake in the bucks. And then get him to tell you all the little details afterwards. (_you dirty perves, you!)_Just make sure that along the way, the CAO PI unit doesn't catch sight of the ZHEN JI unit. One very determined young emperor desperate to get the love of a rather beautiful, scantily clad musician? Definitely not what any of you little fangirl owners want, we're sure._

Of course, you don't _have _to choose any of these occupations for your CAO PI unit. If you want, you could just let him sit on the couch all day in just a pair of tight undergarments, telling you his conniving dreams to rule, and doing nothing more than satisfying your womanly... ahem... needs every so often. Actually, come to think of it, you'd like it a lot more often than _that._

**CLEANING**

Cleaning your CAO PI unit is not a difficult task. Unlike some of the other units, the CAO PI unit is very willing to stay in good hygiene. Usually, all you would need to do is point him in the direction of your bathroom and he can take it from there. Of course, there are a great deal of owners who feel that their CAO PI units require a little help during the regular cleansing process. And, as long as your CAO PI unit is happy with this arrangement (and _we're_sure that as long as you have a pretty face and wear next to nothing in clothing, with the ability to play a few random notes, preferably with an instrument which you place in your mouth, your CAO PI unit will be happy and willing) it'll be perfectly fine.

**PRECAUTIONS**

Yes, the CAO PI unit is undeniably handsome, but he is not immortal and therefore, should be looked after with the same amount of caution as any human being. And because of this, we highly recommend that you do not expose your CAO PI unit to any random tornadoes, floods or other natural (or otherwise) disasters that he may come across.

**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS**

Q: There was a ZHEN JI unit that lived next door, which my CAO PI unit grew a strong attraction to. But they've moved away and now, my CAO PI unit seems to be mourning her, only wearing black and refusing to wash. What should I do?

A: Ah, we see your CAO PI unit had fallen in love with this rather clever and sensual young woman. Didn't this manual warn you about putting the two together earlier on? We suggest that you offer something else to him (i.e. another beautiful, full-chested young woman) to stop him mourning so much. And as for the cleansing? Just go into the bathroom and play a few out of tune notes into a flute. We're sure you'll have your CAO PI unit diving into the bathtub in no time at all.

Q: I found my CAO PI unit in bed with a SIMA YI unit! They were nude under the sheets but swore to me that they were doing nothing more than discussing strategies under there. What do I do?

A: Simple. Believe them of course. If your CAO PI unit says he was discussing strategies, then believe he was discussing strategies. And they were nude? Well maybe, they both got a little hot under there... hmm... well, if all else fails, we suggest banishing any SIMA YI units from the vincinity so that any overly frisky CAO PI units don't get too involved with their supposed strategist.

Q: I recently bought a ZHANG HE unit, to keep my CAO PI unit company (and also because he was the only one they had left in stock. Well, him and a squat little man who went by the name of CAO REN, so really, there was no competition) but all they seemed to do was argue with each other and curse. So I left them overnight and in the morning, I found the ZHANG HE unit gone, and my CAO PI unit was refusing to tell me what had happened to him. What do you think has happened?

A: Well, we're afraid your ZHANG HE unit might be... a little bit dead. Look around for any blood around the house that might give it you any clues. And, in the meantime, we suggest that you don't keep the ZHANG HE unit and the CAO PI unit together. If you want to give your CAO PI unit some company, why not try a ZHEN JI or CAO CAO unit? (Warning: Any out of the ordinary sexual acts between your ZHEN JI and CAO PI units or father-son disputes between your CAO CAO and CAO PI units aren't the concern of us).

Q: I ordered a CAO PI unit and when he arrived, it didn't look like the ones I'd seen advertised before. This one had long dark hair in a ponytail and dark blue clothes. He also came with a weapon that could seperate into two pieces when desired. And he says things to me like "Kneel before me",  
"Why do they even bother" and "Father, I didn't know you liked sight-seeing". What does he want me to do and why is he calling me his father? I'm a girl!

A: Hmm, it seems that we may have mixed up your order and issued you with a Dynasty Warriors 5: I'm-not-as-handsome-but-still-a-vain-snob CAO PI unit. You can either bring him back and we'll give you a full refund/exchange or keep him. Trust us, you'll soon get used to his little quotes. And as for calling you his father? We don't suppose you have short black hair, wear blue a lot and possess a beard (fake or otherwise). If so, we suggest you shave the beard, grow your hair and start wearing different colored clothing. If, however, you do not possess any of these traits, we suggest you reboot your CAO PI unit and we're sure you'll have him calling you by your real name in no time.

**TO CONCLUDE**

If treated correctly as issued in this manual, we're sure that you'll have many happy years with your CAO PI unit. Saying that, we strongly suggest that you don't do anything that will make him want to plot against you, or, if you're one of the (many) girls who would like the handsome noble figure for your own, we fiercely advise that you keep him away from any sexy brunettes in skimpy clothing with flutes for weapons.

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_Lolz. I had so much fun writing this. I wants a CAO PI too! I know it's not as good as some of the other Owner-Maintenance guides out there but I hope you'll still like it. Reviews are very much welcomed (hint, hint ^_^)_


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